In this week I have been living my life as an alley cat. Moving around with my tail in the air inviting attention from those other cats that prowl in the street looking for easy conquest. Let me say this to you, they found this prey the easiest.
Why do I do this? Nobody I know would ever think I am regular and normal. Nobody I know will expect me to behave as a good girl all of the time. You know it is my goal to try to be good. My girlfriend knows who I am and she does not stand in my bad way when desire takes me from her for a night or two. But. It is my wish to be with her and only with her.
Or is it my desire really?
Long ago I knew life would not let me be a good wife with one woman only to share my body with. My desire is too strong for that. But. Is it in so many of us these two people fighting to be the one who succeeds? I see so many of these conservative women who live their life happy to be normal. Is it real? Is it a mask? Do I only see what they wish to show? Are they fighting so hard inside?
Maybe there is no answer to these questions. I know Toshiko, my girlfriend, really my wife in my heart, is what she always shows. But. Is she really? She was my friend for so long, in love but never saying it until it happened one day, the special moment, and we have never been out of love since then. She could hide deep love because love is that way, she told me. She told me love does not want to own, it only wants to be near, to know the one who is loved. Then how could she hide it for so long. Is she really ok, like she tells me, when my body feels the strong need for sex with another and I go off to do it? Does it eat her inside? Is she so kind and wise to trust I will return? I always do. Maybe that is ok for her. I give her all I can and it is all of my heart, if not all of my body all of the time. Maybe she can really accept that. She promises it is so. I trust her with my life and her promise is an iron lock that will never break.
So I play the alley cat sometimes and love binds my Toshiko and me. I cry when I think how beautiful it is. I am crying now thinking of my Toshiko. Maybe I have answer all of my own questions.
(I spent much time to write and write again this piece from my heart. My English grammar book and dictionary must be broken by now from the pages flipping flipping flipping. I think it was worth the time. And the tears.)
This piece from my heart I posted on my ‘rezubian’ blog first but I think it also belongs here. It is special to me. I wish you do not think I am so silly.
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愛の生活 – Ai no seikatsu – love life
Love, Yumi
Yumi's Loft 