life can change so fast

It has been some time since I wrote here or anywhere. There is a good reason.

I did something stupid.

If you read this blog for a while you know Toshiko and I have a special relationship. We are deeply in love, deep like the ocean is deep, so deep we even had a wedding ceremony when we were visiting Japan at Christmas time. So now we are married in our hearts if not on paper.

Our special relationship? We each have lovers. Mine is women I meet sometimes, that helps to keep the fire inside me from burning out of control. Toshiko’s is work, that focuses her mind into what she loves most, aside from me. Each of us understands the others’ needs, my body, her mind. Many things in life change, this does not. We have this thing, it is called equilibrium. We have always had an open relationship. Toshiko has never been to another woman, her work has always been her mistress.

Until a few days after we came back from Japan.

It was Tuesday, January eighth at seven-thirty in the evening. I know it so well because it will always mark a point in our lives when some things changed.

Toshiko called me after lunch to tell me she would be late at her office. I should have dinner on my own or go out. It was before I went out shopping for dinner so it was fine. I could have a bite out and go to a club for dancing. Some of the girls I know go there most nights. Tuesday is always one of those quiet nights with not much to do anyway.

I went to a fish place by the harbor for dinner. It is peaceful to eat and drink some wine and enjoy the beautiful harbor right by the water there.

After I finished the last of the wine I had an idea so I bought a bottle and walked home to pickup some glasses. When I opened the door the flat felt so quiet. A flat always feels like a lonely place when you just pop in and only one light is on. I just went to the kitchen to get the glasses, wrapped them in a small towel, put them in a bigger bag with the bottle of wine, switched off the light, and left once more.

Next stop, Toshiko’s office. It would be a surprise.

The guard in the lobby knows me so I went up in the elevator and pressed the door code for Toshiko’s company office when I got to her floor. Down at the end, at the corner, I could see Toshiko’s office light was on. It was the only one switched on in the whole place. She is often the last to leave. Sometimes we order takeout and eat together there.

When I walked to Toshiko’s office with the wine and two glasses in my hands and a big smile I stopped in the doorway.

Toshiko was leaning back on her sofa with her shirt open, her bra off and her pants across the arm of the chair. The long, blonde hair of a naked woman hid the face that was pushed between Toshiko’s legs. Toshiko was making a low sound and breathing hard. I know that sound so well. She sounds that way when she is reaching the mountain peak.

Do you know what is hardest for me to believe? I stood in the doorway and waited for Tosh to have her orgasm. Was I in shock or did my love for her not want to take away her peak? I do not know even now.

I waited and when she was coming down from her high mountain she opened her eyes. And she saw me. She sat up fast and closed her legs and pulled her shirt together. The blonde saw her looking my way and turned around. She was pretty, really very beautiful. She was a little red around her mouth and it glistened a little. I could see in her eyes she didn’t know what to do so she just pulled Toshiko’s pants across herself to cover up and leaned back against the sofa saying nothing.

Toshiko just stared at me. She said “Yumi chan”. I didn’t know what to do so I just dropped the glasses and the bottle on the carpet and walked back out. My face was so hot. I pushed the elevator button over and over. Nobody came out of the office. The elevator came and I rode it down to the lobby and went out the door past the guard.

When I reached the corner of the street I bent down and threw up into the gutter by the sidewalk. My cell started ringing. I knew who it would be so I left it. A picture of that girl between Toshiko’s legs came to my mind and I threw up once more.

Maybe you’re thinking, but Yumi, you sleep with other women all the time, why are you so shocked?

Yes. It is true. How can I be this way when Toshiko does what I do? It’s because this is not the Tosh I know. She enjoys sex when it is with me but she isn’t interested otherwise. Her work is her other lover.

I was there on the sidewalk thinking. Is this the first time? Who is the girl? Has Tosh been doing this for a while? For a long time? I threw up once more but there was nothing left to come out. Now my stomach ached.

This is a very long story. Maybe you do not wish to read this long story. This is what happened next.

I went home and put some things into my little backpack and took my computer. My cell kept ringing but I didn’t answer. I took a cab to a small hotel nearby the main train station and checked in. When they asked me how long I would stay I told them I didn’t know. Maybe a few days, maybe a week.

That was two weeks ago. Toshiko called so many times every day to my cell. She must have looked at all the hotels but she did not find me. All I did for most of that time was drink a lot and eat a little. I was broken Yumi.

Then I stopped. On Monday morning, yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was dirty and tangled and I felt so dirty all over. I do remember taking a shower but maybe it was only one or two, not enough. I did not go for running and I was smoking many more than normal. Two weeks of drinking and smoking and room service and not going outside makes a person disgusting to look at and to smell.

I cleaned up all the mess, all the full ashtrays and vodka bottles and underwear and pulled the sheets off the bed and rolled them up in the corner. Then I went to the shower. I stayed in there a long time. I washed my hair over and over and I washed my body over and over. I kept washing until I felt clean.

Then I called Toshiko.

Monday is always Tosh’s busiest work day so I asked could we meet up today, Tuesday. She said she would leave work early and meet me at our flat at 5pm. I said OK.

This morning I checked out from the hotel and apologized for the disgusting room. I paid extra for the cleaning. They said I did not need to but I made them take the money. I asked them to pay extra money to the poor cleaner. Maybe they will, I hope so. I feel sorry for anyone cleaning after two weeks of my bad living. It is all I can do.

It is almost 2.30pm now. I am sitting at a cafe by the harbor with strong coffee and some kind of cake. It’s my second coffee and I may have another one. I know, too much coffee is bad for nervous feelings. OK I will switch to juice.

Thirty minutes more and I will walk around the harbor nearby the MCA and down to the Rocks. It is hard to remain sitting.

What will I say to Toshiko? What will she say to me? Is that woman her girlfriend or only a lover? Will Tosh leave me? Is this the end of us? Will our life be different now? So many questions.

Two hours and a half. At that time I will learn how our life will be.

I said at the beginning I did something stupid. I hope this stupid thing to run away did not kill Tosh’s love for me.

I will know in two hours and a half.

Wish good luck for me.

Yumi

alley cat week and love’s spirit

In this week I have been living my life as an alley cat. Moving around with my tail in the air inviting attention from those other cats that prowl in the street looking for easy conquest. Let me say this to you, they found this prey the easiest.

Why do I do this? Nobody I know would ever think I am regular and normal. Nobody I know will expect me to behave as a good girl all of the time. You know it is my goal to try to be good. My girlfriend knows who I am and she does not stand in my bad way when desire takes me from her for a night or two. But. It is my wish to be with her and only with her.

Or is it my desire really?

Long ago I knew life would not let me be a good wife with one woman only to share my body with. My desire is too strong for that. But. Is it in so many of us these two people fighting to be the one who succeeds? I see so many of these conservative women who live their life happy to be normal. Is it real? Is it a mask? Do I only see what they wish to show? Are they fighting so hard inside?

Maybe there is no answer to these questions. I know Toshiko, my girlfriend, really my wife in my heart, is what she always shows. But. Is she really? She was my friend for so long, in love but never saying it until it happened one day, the special moment, and we have never been out of love since then. She could hide deep love because love is that way, she told me. She told me love does not want to own, it only wants to be near, to know the one who is loved. Then how could she hide it for so long. Is she really ok, like she tells me, when my body feels the strong need for sex with another and I go off to do it? Does it eat her inside? Is she so kind and wise to trust I will return? I always do. Maybe that is ok for her. I give her all I can and it is all of my heart, if not all of my body all of the time. Maybe she can really accept that. She promises it is so. I trust her with my life and her promise is an iron lock that will never break.

So I play the alley cat sometimes and love binds my Toshiko and me. I cry when I think how beautiful it is. I am crying now thinking of my Toshiko. Maybe I have answer all of my own questions.

(I spent much time to write and write again this piece from my heart. My English grammar book and dictionary must be broken by now from the pages flipping flipping flipping. I think it was worth the time. And the tears.)

This piece from my heart I posted on my ‘rezubian’ blog first but I think it also belongs here. It is special to me. I wish you do not think I am so silly.

~~ @ ~~

愛の生活 – Ai no seikatsu – love life

Love, Yumi