[Susanna help]
I spent the last weekend being punished. After father contacted me a short while ago I was in a very black mood and it would not go away. I tried to do happy things but the blackness was always there. I tried many ways to come out of my black mood. In the end the only way was to treat myself as some ancient doctors treat patients. Treat black with black.
A friend of a friend knows a Dominatrix who specialises in humiliation and pain. I arranged to spend a day with her.
When I asked to be given the full treatment without limits I had to agree to do whatever I was told for the day and the woman gave me a safe word to use if I needed to stop, if I could not bear it any longer. I agreed.
Having been through so much in my early life I have a high tolerance for pain and only once needed to use my safe word.
I was made to spend the whole day naked, to walk on my hands and knees, to serve the woman, and to accept very harsh spanking, whipping, slapping all over my body. At one point the woman even pissed on me. I ate lunch from a bowl on the floor and I was tied in many different ways. I was burned with candle wax and penetrated in all openings with large objects. I cried when slapped on the face and I was punished for crying.
The entire day was a nightmare of pain and humiliation and I needed a taxi to go home afterwards because I could barely walk and only then for a very short distance. The cost was very high in money and in suffering.
In the evening I tended my wounds. I tried to lay down and to sit and even to kneel. Whatever I did I hurt all over. It was not until after midnight that I fell asleep.
When I awoke the next morning around 11am I was still in a lot of pain but the worst part had passed. I felt so alive and the world felt so bright. I was still feeling the edges of my black moods but the feeling of father over my shoulder had left me. I ate a large breakfast, much more than I normally would, and lay in my spa listening to music and lazing about the house for the rest of the day.
I know I have a long way to go before I am really happy again and more medicine to take, but I can feel that there is some future with me in it. Only a week ago I wanted to be out of the world. Maybe seeing that tough woman was a way to control the ghosts and lock them outside me. I hope it is so.
(Thank you Susanna for help change in English. I hoping so many shock you is did not run away from friend.)
