[Please be patient and try to forgive English errors. I do my best with memory and grammar book - Yumi]
Evolution is slow. In the body and in the spirit evolution is slow.
But we try.
I try. I try very hard. But I am not special. Life for me is like many life. It is like walking up a hill of mud. I step 1 or 2 or 3. And I slip back 1 or 2 or 3.
Almost 4 years before now it was in my mind that I may soon reach the top of the hill and look upon the beauty there. With me was another traveller. Beside me. Equal in the climbing. But she slipped and fell and when she reached the bottom of the hill she went under the mud and was lost to me. When I saw her fall I lost my will to reach the top of the hill. And then I fell too. All the way to the bottom I fell. Into the deep mud at the bottom of the great hill I fell. And when I thought I would be lost also my foot found something solid. It was not much. But it was enough for me to climb to a safe place.
For a long long time I layed alone a little in the mud and a little out. But I could not move. I did not wish to follow my companion under the mud to be lost. But when I looked up at the great hill I did not have the energy or the wish to climb alone. And so I stayed in the mud.
Mud is warm when it covers you. Nobody sees you there. You are alone. It is not a nice place but it is not bad. It is just some place to be.
The body breathed as the body must do to stay above the mud. But inside the body in the place where the feelings of the heart live my body was dead. For maybe 3 years the body layed in the mud and it existed on only what it needed to stay alive. There was no reason to get up. Besides in 3 years the mud became hard. It is hard to break mud that is so hard. Better to stay and become a part of the mud. It is easier than trying to break the mud.
Evolution is slow.
Memory of my companion made me stay in the mud for a long long time.
But there was a flash. Some light very bright and a boom! And I saw my companion who had gone under the mud so long before. She was standing on the ground above me. Her face was angry. Her mouth was moving but for some time I could not hear her. And then I could hear. She was scolding me. She wanted to know why I was laying in the mud. I told her it would not break. She made some laugh but it was angry. And then she had a big hammer. And she hit the mud. She ht the mud very hard. I could feel some pain when the mud broke. It hurt to be free from the mud. It was my home for a long long time. And it was close to her. I told her she was hurting me. She did not listen to e. She hit and hit and hit the mud until it was all broken and I was free of it. “Go!” she said to me.
My body would not move in the beginning. “Go!” she said again. She turned away from me. She did not speak again but I heard her voice in my mind. She said she would see me later after a long long time. She would wait.
My body is older but not very much older. It is maybe a year that I am free from that hard mud. Part of it I stayed inside a hospital to learn why I may be so joyful in one day and the next day so unhappy. The doctor who was so kind there told me a name. It is bipolar. Ok I understand. There is a medicine I must eat every day or the mud may return to take me inside once again. But I am the one who will always love the strong feelings. So some day I will not eat the medicine. It is like the casino. Sometimes I am lucky and the day is perfect. Sometimes I see the bottom of the hill rush at me so fast. But life is not for living always in the flat ground. I learn more from the hills. Even if the hills have some danger.
Evolution is slow.
My spirit grows every day stronger. The days of crazy Yumi are behind. But like the steps 1 or 2 or 3, I do not always miss the slipping back.
I think if my companion did not slip and fall into the deep mud when someone pushed her under it and if she was beside me still here she would say to me that life is always go forward is life so boring! Maybe one day my spirit will be free of the slipping back. Now my spirit does really love the sometimes skip back. The spice that burns hot is the most exciting spice.
Evolution is slow.
