Do you know it will happen sometimes? You will help someone out with one thing and that thing become another thing. After we eat dinner last night (Wednesday past – I wrote slow) I relax with my Tosh on our sofa. There is no tv in our living room. Tosh has a little one in her office room for finance things. But. We never will have the tv in our living room. No no no. We have our way. We sit on our sofa for talk and read and relax.
Tosh worked so hard after we returned from the vacation in The Whitsunday Islands. She did not rest much. So. I promised I will do the long long long massage for neck and shoulders and all over last night.
I begin massage on the sofa. Only a little bit for shoulders. The phone is ringing. It is Tosh’s PA remind her a morning meeting. Finish. Go back to massage. The phone rings after three minutes. It is some manager man from Japan. He must talk urgent. Ok. Tosh’s work is important for her. I read my book. Forty five minutes after Tosh is back. She rests against me to do the massage. Ok. She must relax. Fifteen minutes massage. Tosh is relaxing. Her shoulders so soft now. The phone rings. It is Tosh’s PA again. They talk maybe ten minutes. Fine. Massage begin once more. The phone rings.
The phone call is the manager man from Japan once more. They must do the urgent conference call with some office in Europe. Tosh tells me sorry. She goes to the office room for the computer. First she fix her hair also some makeup. She make the light ok for the computer camera. It is already after 9pm.
Ok. I read my book. After it is more than 9.30pm I look inside her office room. She use her hand for wave to me go away. I go away. I make coffee and do some writing I promise I will do. Take care some business. Maybe forty minutes I finish. I check Toshiko. She is still talking on that call. She make notes and so busy.
I finally give up. It is after 10pm I go for shower. After 10.45pm I come out from shave, shower, wash hair, dry hair, other shower room things. Toshiko is still working on that call. She is talking and laughing and say so many business things I do not understand. Now I become so piss. I turn out all the light. I go to bed. I read more from my book then I fall into sleep. I go to bed.
Toshiko arrives into the bed. She put her arms around me. I see the clock. It is almost midnight. I show my back to her. My friends there is something you do not wish to see. You do not wish to see Yumi super bitch girl piss.
When I show my back to Toshiko she will not allow me to sleep. She shakes me. She says some stupid words. “Cho I am sorry. Forgive me.” (Cho is her cute name for me. From cho cho it is butterfly) But. She is shaking me out from sleep to tell me sorry. Now I become more piss. “I tell her fuck off leave me alone!”. I push her arms away. She goes out from the bed.
Really I cannot sleep. In my heart I am so angry and sad too. This was the night without work in our home for Tosh. This was the night for only us. All the night is lost for business work. It is necessary to understand the work of Toshiko is important. Yes I know this. We agree one night is for us. Toshiko told her PA and other work people in the office she is not free this night. They call anyway. She will jump up anyway. For this I get to the limit. They do not respect Toshiko’s word. Toshiko did not respect her word to me. This is the reason I am very very piss to Toshiko.
Thirty minutes passed. I cannot sleep. This feeling in my home I cannot accept. This is our home. It is the place for peaceful. I go out from the bed.
Toshiko is sitting. It is little bit cold. But. Ok. She wears the silk gown. I see from behind she is shaking. She is so cold? I go to closer. No. She is not cold. She is crying. I wish to hold her. But. I am proud and I am am piss and I am stupid. Let her cry. It is she make this bad feeling for us. Let her cry.
Then. She knows I am there. She can feel me nearby.
The light is so low. But. I can see her face is shining with tears. I look at her and she look at me. She comes to me and she is crying once more. I can feel her body is moving from crying. Toshiko is saying the same words over and over and over so soft almost I cannot hear. “Forgive me…forgive me…forgive me…forgive me”
I do not wish to forgive so easy. But. Love is not so cruel. How can I stop my heart from feeling the love when my girl is crying and holding me? I cannot. I say one word. “Forgive”
Tosh is crying more now. First my bad human heart feels happy she has this feeling. Then. A large broom of love does sweep away the unworth feeling. All I feel then is great love. Like cold sweeping then warm sweeping in all of my body I feel the love for my Toshiko. Then. I cry too. We cry for long time. We were far away from each other and then we are closest we ever were. The feeling is so good.
Then. Tosh must shower.
The shower washes tears and messy makeup from Tosh. I make tea. It is late. One in the morning.
Then.
We sit. Naked. Cool not cold. We sip our tea. We are silent.
So. This is the first time we fight. This is how it feels. I do not like this to happen. But. Now we know. One fight will not break us apart. Tosh promises this will not happen again. I tell her do not promise this. Work does not love you. Work needs you. It must use you when it needs you. Tosh says she will switch the phone to off. I laugh. She will not of course. She is responsible Toshiko. This is why she is here and not in Japan. Work knows who she is. I also know who she is. I must accept. It is my culture. It is also my way. I must bear it from time to time. For love the human will bear much. And. Really. It is not so much to bear.
I touch Tosh’s shoulder. I squeeze it. “Massage?” I say. “Yes.” Toshiko says.
Tea time is over.
~~ @ ~~
愛の生活 – Ai no seikatsu – love life
Later, Yumi
